I've realized that I am a mean person, and I don't want to be.
It feels like I argue all the time just for the sake of arguing, I never like anything, and I always speak in a smug tone. I don't like this, but for some reason I just can't seem to change. I'm not just like this online, in fact I would argue I'm even worse in person.
Part of the reason I believe this is the case is that I am really bad at talking to people, especially individually. It's easier to just be mean than not. Another part of it is wanting to be unbothered. Sometimes I just want to be alone, even if I don't know what I would do alone. But I'm already alone so often, it feels weird adapting to not being alone. So, I just want to be alone again.
Here's the thing: I know how to change and what to do. But for some reason... I just cannot. I struggle at saying thank you, or really thinking of the needs of other people in terms of gifting. If I don't even know what I like, how am I supposed to know what other people like.
I'm just tired of it all, but I don't know how to change. So I'm afraid I'm just going to have to adapt.
Now, that's just how I actually act. However, I would like my online persona to become more "evil". I feel like I stopped showing that. Maybe it's just maturing, maybe it's just forgetting about the whole bit, who knows. But I feel like everyone forgets my little character is supposed to be evil. Yet the only time I recently drew him holding any weapons or doing a nefarious act was in the button for this site, where he's holding a chainsaw.